Grief is a deeply personal journey, marked by a spectrum of emotions that can be overwhelming and confusing. Understanding the stages of grief can offer solace and a roadmap for those navigating loss. The concept of the five stages of grief, introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, “On Death and Dying,” provides a framework for understanding our reactions to loss. These stages are not linear and may not be experienced by everyone or in the same order, but they offer a guide to the grieving process.
Denial serves as the initial shock absorber for grief. It helps us to pace our feelings of grief, allowing us to only process as much as we can handle. During this stage, individuals might refuse to accept the reality of the loss, thinking there’s been a mistake or hoping to wake up from a bad dream. This denial is a common defence mechanism that numbs us to the intensity of the situation, providing emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once.
As the masking effects of denial begin to wear off, the pain re-emerges. We’re not ready. The intense emotion we feel is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed as anger. This anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, strangers, friends or family. Anger may also be directed at our deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. It’s important to feel and express this anger, as it reflects the intensity of your love.
The bargaining stage involves the hope that we can avoid the cause of grief. Here, individuals might plead with a higher power, promising to change if only the lost loved one can be returned. This stage is often accompanied by a torrent of “what if” and “if only” statements. Bargaining is a line of defence against the emotions of grief, offering a temporary escape from dealing with the reality of the loss.
Depression is a commonly understood consequence of grief. It represents the emptiness we feel when we realise the person is gone and won’t be coming back. It’s natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty during this stage. This phase may be seen as the dress rehearsal for the ‘aftermath’; it is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It’s crucial to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness but a natural response to loss.
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognising that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually, we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing.
It’s crucial to emphasise that these stages are not a linear progression. Grief is cyclical, erratic and uniquely personal. Individuals may experience these stages in different orders, revisit some stages multiple times and may not experience every stage.
Understanding the stages of grief provides a framework, but it’s important to remember that each person’s journey is unique. We should allow ourselves to feel each emotion fully and seek support when needed. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, professional support can offer guidance and comfort through this difficult journey.
